Biblical
scholars believe that there was another Gospel, long lost, often referred to as
the “Q” Gospel, that came before the synoptic Gospels – Matthew Mark and Luke,
and was the starting point for each of those Evangelists’ gospels. Just last week there was a story in the news –
archeologists in the Holy Land uncovered an ancient text – which they believe
might just be this long lost “Q” Gospel.
As
I was meditating and praying on these readings, I imagined - what if these same
archeologists uncovered another ancient text, the ancient diary, or personal
journal, of the same St. Peter who figures so prominently in today’s
Gospel. And that you and I got to read
the pages of this journal he might have written around the time of Holy Week
and just after – those days we’ve been remembering and celebrating these last
few weeks. What is it that Peter might
have written?
So
here are few of the pages I imagine he might have written in his daily journal:
Friday,
March 25 – The worst day of my life, bar none.
I mean maybe we should have seen it coming, they’ve been threatening
Jesus for weeks, and He’s been dropping hints about what might happen, but last
night they finally got him – we were in the garden after supper, and along
comes this small army of the temple guard led by, of all people, Judas! And they arrested the Lord! I was panicked. Didn’t know what to do.
They
hauled him off to the chief priests, mocked him, spat on him. Took him to Pilate and he gave in and ordered
that he be crucified! And that’s just
what they did – they’ve killed my Lord, my friend, my best friend, and I’m
beside myself. I don’t know what to do –
I’m afraid they’ll come for me next, and at the same time I’m so despondent, I’m
tempted to end it all like Judas just did.
‘Cause
as if it’s not bad enough that they murdered my Lord, I denied Him. Three times.
And I’m pretty sure He heard me that last time. Don’t even know the man, I said. My betrayal was the last thing he heard come
out of my mouth. NOOO! I have no idea how I can go on.
Sunday
March 27 – the most amazing day of my life, bar none. Got the group together in the upper room, and
then here comes Mary Magdalen saying something about the Lord not being in his
tomb. John and I raced to the tomb,
found it empty, the cloths all rolled up.
Could it be? I mean, he said he’d
be raised from the dead after three days, but we had no idea what he was
talking about.
Then
tonight, he came and stood before us. Stood
right before us! Jesus is alive! Unbelievable I know, but there he was! First words out of his mouth were “peace be with
you.” Peace, right. For right then it hit me. As overjoyed as I was, how can I forget how I
let him down, how I abandoned him in his time of need. I kept expecting him to pull me aside for “the
talk.”
You
know. The talk. Where he says “Peter, how could you? Here I am, staring death in the face, all
alone, and my best friend, warming himself at a charcoal fire, says he doesn’t
even know me. Well, Peter, you let me
down. Totally. I was totally wrong about you. You don’t even know me? Well guess what. I don’t know you either. I thought you could do the job, be my main
man, and all you got is ‘I don’t even know the man.’”
But
all he said was “Peace be with you.”
Twice again. He must be saving “the
talk” for later.
Sunday
April 3 – we were hanging out in the room again, and there he was again – the Lord!
Totally weird – I mean I’m just filled with joy to see him, to know that He
lives, yet each time he looks at me I have to look away. I’m not looking forward to “the talk.”
Anyway,
Thomas was there tonight. Touched the
Lord’s nailmarks, put his hand right in his side. Said “My Lord and My God.” I wanted to shout “AMEN” but thought it best
not to be noticed. I don’t know what I’m
gonna do.
Friday
April 8 – I’m completely confused. So
filled with joy to think that Jesus lives, and so filled with anxiety, and fear
even, for that inevitable moment when he points at me and says “Peter we gotta
talk.” Maybe he didn’t hear me. Nah.
He heard me. He looked right at
me. Looked so hurt, so let down. I think it’s best if I head back to Galilee, back
to fishing.
Sunday
April 10 – the most amazing day of my life.
You know how fearful I was of “the talk?” Well it all started out this morning. We were out in the boat, catching
nothing. Dude on the shore tells us “try
the other side of the boat.” Right. Like we have no idea what we’re doing. Thanks for the advice. Anyway, what the heck. We did it, and almost broke the nets we
caught so many fish! That dude? – it was
the Lord!
I was so excited, I jumped right in and swam to
Him. I so want to be with him
again. But I’m so afraid of him.
Anyway, he had a fire going and said “bring
over some of those fish.” Charcoal fire.
Uh oh. Charcoal again. He must have heard me. Here it comes-the talk. Brace myself.
But as he’s done ever since we first met, he completely
surprised me. Oh it was clear, he heard
me all right, but there was no scorn, no judgment, no criticism either. No.
All he did was ask me, “Peter do you love me?” Three times.
Of course I said yes. This was my
second chance. To say “yes” three times.
Yes, Lord, you KNOW that I love you. Then
“Feed my lambs. Tend my sheep. Feed my sheep.”
And that was it. He completely forgave me. Completely healed me. Completely accepted me. Drenched me in His mercy.
I’ve never felt so free in all my
life. So relieved. So unburdened.
So
loved.
It was the most amazing moment of my life. I’ll
never forget it. That’s for sure.
And here’s the thing. Now I know what my life is all about. For all the rest of my days, my life is about him. Jesus.
The Lord of my life. I will never
abandon him again. Who knows, I may even
have to die for him. Bring it on, I’m
ready.
* * * * * * *
* * * * * * *
And
that’s all they found of this journal.
My
sisters and brother, you and I know the rest of this story. That this man Peter, who failed the Lord,
sinful and weak as he was, was chosen by Jesus for the vocation to lead Our
Lord’s new Church, to tend His sheep and feed His lambs, and we know that he
did, in fact, go to his own death for the sake of the name of the Lord Jesus
Christ.
Next
Sunday is the World Day of Prayer for vocations, a day in which we are all
called to pray for vocations in the Church.
You and I, brothers and sisters, despite our own sinfulness, despite our
own weakness, maybe even if we’ve betrayed the Lord, you and I are called to
listen and take up our own vocations in the Church, whatever that might look
like. Maybe a new vocation. Maybe ever deepening vocation.
All
this week, it would be very good for each one of us, young and old, to ask the
Lord – what is it you’re calling me to do, to be? Lord, how would you have me give you my life
in service to you and your people?
And
He will answer, if we listen.
Whatever
is our vocation, whether that means consecrated religious, faithful husband or
wife, devoted and loving priest, servant deacon, or any of the myriad ways of
serving in the Church, know this. He is
looking on us with eyes of love, and mercy, and compassion, and He is calling
each of us, to feed His lambs. Tend His
sheep. Feed His sheep.
In love and
thanksgiving, let each of us, as Peter did, answer His call and embrace our
vocation.
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